Completion: The Five Final Tasks
It is good to experience a sense of completion before we die. To know that we have said what we needed to say. What we wanted to say.
We can actually experience the various physical stages of dying more fully, when we have that sense of completion. So, we can focus on the task at hand. So, we don’t feel like we are being held back by words left unsaid.
This completion requires a few ingredients:
One is our willingness to simply acknowledge that we are dying. Whether very soon or somewhere down the line does not matter. We have a finite amount of time left. Let’s use it well by being honest about what is going on. It allows everyone around us to be honest too.
Two is our openness to talk about dying with our loved ones. Especially with our loved ones. Yes, talk about death. Say what needs to be said. Hear what wants to be said.
Three is to actually take the time to talk. To make the time to listen. To allow the silences in between. To speak from our hearts. To hear with our hearts. To make room for feelings. All our feelings.
Here is a simple list of suggested things to say. Ira Byock calls them:
The Five Final Tasks.
- Will you forgive me? Is there a forgiving that I need from you? Most likely something from a long time ago? Something I have carried with me for so long… Can I actually ask for it?
- I forgive you Am I willing to let go of old wounds and hurts in the face of my dying? Let it just be? Let it rest? And can I say this to you face?
- Thank you What a gift to say thank you one more time. Even if there is neither enough time nor enough words to thank you… for everything.
- I love you This is something we can never say often enough. Never hear often enough. It feels so good to hear and say it, even one more time.
- Good bye Can we actually say it, and mean it? Let it sink in, that this is a final good bye, at least in earthly terms? Feel all its weight? Feel all its finality? Am I ready to say good bye for good?
When we take the time to speak into these five tasks with our loved ones, they very much contribute to a sense of completion. They help make the leaving easier. They help us feel more prepared for the different physical stages of dying that await us. They help us die more at peace.
